Today is an anniversary, but I don't love calling it that, because I equate anniversary to a fun and exciting stamp on the calendar that is special, and celebratory. But there are also anniversaries that are sad, and meloncholy. This type of anniversary today, is one of mourning, and sadness, a little meloncholy is how I'm feeling.
I remember this day so vividly, and it was 14 years ago, I was only a 17 year old girl living life, and loving life! I remember where I was every moment of this day, I remember my only worries in life were wondering how to sneak in the house past my curfew, and trick my parents into thinking I woke them up, but they just didn't remember.
I remember coming home from a night out with some friends, sneaking into the driveway an hour late, and seeing too many cars in my driveway, too many lights on in my should be dark house. I remember the fear that gripped my stomach, and knowing something was wrong. Running to the back to door to be greeted by someone who I don't even know, and had to deliver news to me that I wouldn't be able to bear. I remember asking, begging what was going on, I remember the nod of her head when I asked if my mom was alive, I remember the scream I let out right there on my back porch. Getting in her car to see my family at the hospital, the drive all the way there, my asking this stranger how I was supposed to go on, and she only listening to me. I remember thinking, my life would never be the same....
Walking into the E.R., seeing it full of family members, and friends at 2:00 A.M. I remember collapsing, crying and looking at my Bishop, and continuously saying, "why Bishop, WHY?!" Seeing my sister in her hospital bed, and my grandparents had aged right before my eyes. I remember the fear, despair on everyones faces. Aunt Barb walked me to the bathroom so I could throw-up. I remember being so angry, refusing all offers of blessings, and medication from nurses. I remember the cot they brought in for me to be next to my sister all night long, Aunt Suzy was there, and all we did was talk, and cry, my sister waking up in between with tears, and during her sleep I could see her dreaming, and hear her moan. So much sadness, so much heartache.
Not only had we lost our mom, my sister was newly married, and had the news delivered to her that her husband may face the same fate, and he was in critical condition in the ICU at University Hospital. After months and months of fasts, prayers, and her husband fighting for his life he was released, a miracle in itself. I am so grateful he is with us, I see him as a miracle, he calls himself indestructable! He now has 3 beautiful children with my sister, and has been an amazing example for all of us. We love you Jer!
I don't know what our Maker was thinking, and don't understand, and never will why he took her so early, in the height of her happiness, she was sooo happy, life was so good to her, and she was only able to be with her husband, and love of her life for 5 short years. We all got jipped!!
I am grateful for my family, grateful for my relationship with my Aunt Suzy, whom I love sooo much! I am grateful for my big sister, who now thinks she is my mother. I am grateful that my grandparents made sure that we were a close nit family, so when faced with trial, we could lean on one another, and share our deepest feelings without judgement.
Although it's been hard, and the missing never stops, I have grown into a woman now, with children of my own, a husband that loves me, and a life I am proud of. I know my life would have went down a different path if we still had her with us, but I am a mother to a beautiful 10 year old boy, who I know would not be with me if I was not faced with this trial. I have learned to survive, to fight uphill battles, and to conquer hard knocks. I have been blessed with Carter, and ever since he was a baby he would point to her picture, and become fascinated by her. I know she had a hand in sending him my way, because she always promised me I would get one, "just like me"! Good one mom, and THANKS A LOT!
Although it is in anniversary, it's bittersweet. I am reflective and appreciative of the time I had with her. I am thoughtful, and memories tend to flood in around the looming anniversary, and then the day comes, and I laugh and cry, take paper flowers, (daisies, of course) that Carter and I made to the cemetary, and having an enormous amount of appreciation for what she taught me, and the memories she provided for me. All those Tigers Blood snow cones, the Cherry Cokes, and sour patch kids, the cheers and tears at spelling bees, and dance recitals. Her encouragement, and dedication. The love a mother gives is like no other, I finally realize what she meant when she said, "when you have children of your own, you will understand".
For my sister, I love you, and am so happy we have each other. So glad that your voice is the one that is in my head. I love our laughter, and I love our talks. I love your children SOOOO much! I love our friendship, and no matter how different we are, (night and day) I am so glad that you're the sister I have! I am glad I have you to remember mom with, and to have someone so close to me experience my loss, at the exact level as I did. You are beautiful, you are smart, and amazing. You are a wonderful mother, and have taught me so many things about being a good mom. I love that I can call you, when I need advice on my children. If one is sick, I don't think twice about who I am going to call. Mom was right sis, we did need each other after she was gone.
Love and miss you, will never forget you!
After a conversation with someone who has had new interaction with Carter, there has been some talk of him being unmanageable, "quite" the handful, (bouts of uncomfortable snickers). I am the first person to admit that Carter is a challenge, he's different from my first, and it has taken lots of learning, reading, talking, and receiving advice about how best to deal with a boy with this much drive, and passion. Some think this is a weakness though, and not to say I haven't vented about it myself, because I definitely have. My doctor told me, "I can already see that he's one curious boy, but to be serious, NEVER, EVER, squash him of his curiousity, this is Carters' greatest strength". His energy, and his love for life, and everything in it is who Carter is, it's part of his make-up. How dare I, try and stop this boy, and break his spirit? You really can't change a person, we with husbands know this, right??!! 
