Today was an especially emotional, and trying day for me as I fed the homeless under the viaduct. It was beautiful, but difficult if that makes sense. I was INCREDIBLY succesful in the small clothing drive I organized. Many, many kids, and adults are now in their new winter coats, and gloves thanks to all those who donated. I had one little girl who will be 3 in March come with no socks or shoes. We quickly wrapped her in blankets, and I was able to hold her, and put on her new Tinkerbell socks, and pink boots, along with a coat that she gladly put on, and LOVED! Her brothers' name is Sebastion, he's 7 years old. I gave him a bunch of Braydons old clothes, and snuck in a few more than I was supposed to. Sebastion was awfully quiet at first, barely even whispering as I spoke to him. I think he was confused by all the treasures coming his way. The mother and father were probably some of the nicest and gentle people I have ever met. I was able to talk with them, (yes, they let me leave my post so that I could get this family prepared for the cold). Sebastion and I talked about Christmas, and his favorite tv characters. He really wouldn't talk much at all, and I felt like I just wasn't earning his trust in any way, shape or form. After I went back to work, he came up to me, and said, "I know who my favorite character is, it's SPONGEBOB". I was floored, was he talking to me? Was he smiling at me??!! After that Sebastion didn't leave my side, talking and laughing and fist pumping with me! He asked me if I would be there next Sunday, and told me he was excited to see me, and he couldn't wait. I then started asking him what kind of toys he likes, and things he likes to do. He likes books, and cars. Trust me, I will come bearing gifts for this little guy, and his sister next Sunday. How could I not? He had me wrapped around those cute little fingers of his the moment he told me about Spongebob. I looked over, and saw his mom and dad both tearing up, and watching our interaction. I went over to them, and wrapped my arms around both of them, telling them they will get through this.... They were incredibly joyful, and grateful. As they were about to leave, Sebastion ran to me, and gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. I hugged the rest of them, and turned around with tears in my eyes, brokenhearted, and touched. One of the men that helped form the organization asked me if I was okay, I sobbed and said, "no, no, I'm not okay". How could I be, Sebastion and his family were walking 4 blocks in the snow to go to the homeless shelter they were staying at. I so wanted to run after them, and do whatever I could. I cried for a really long time, I couldn't stop the tears, and as I looked around many more were crying with me, deeply touched by what they just saw.

I know I can't save the world, I know that I can't save them all, and that some of the homeless that I feed, are they because of the choices that they made... I just like being with them, I love the feeling of surrounding myself with people not just wanting, but doing things for people. My spirit is being fed. I wish I could do more, but just being there helps.... ask my new friends, they will tell you the same thing....

Sebastion, I can't wait to see you next Sunday, so bring your fist pumps, and hugs! Thank you for your kindness, and for being my new friend, I promise Santa is going to come and see you this year, and it will be magical!!

Love,
Melanie

I have a confession, don't judge me though, K? Try to look forward with me, and know that something is about to change!

I feel like I need to preface, just because it's kind of a big deal. Six years ago, I was planning a wedding, MY wedding. I was nervous, anxiety was owning me, and as you all know... this is my second marriage so I was even more of a wreck, than just the first time jitters a person gets. Of course I was excited, and thrilled but terrified as well. During this time, I picked up a nasty habit. A really embarrassing, can't believe I'm admitting this habit! I started, GULP... smoking! Yes, I did, and it was only when I was stressed or when anxiety was peaking. But those nasty little suckers wrapped their venomous, nicotine filled fingers and took a strong hold on this girl, right here! I can't believe this happened to me! I used to tease a cousin of mine and lecture her for this exact same habit, and now I was doing it too?? What the hell!!???

Pretty girls don't smoke! I care about what I look like, it makes you ugly!! UGLY! STINKY! It's gross! Why did I keep doing it for all these years, when I know all of this?? I mean, seriously?

I have quit 2 times, both of the times it lasted for about 6 months each. The last time I quit, I didn't even want to smoke again... it was EASY for me... but then, I caved, buckled under pressure, and started right back up again using stress and anxiety as my excuse! LAME!

So today, I quit... again! For good, I can't handle it any longer! My spouse hates it, my family hates it, my friends tell me how unhealthy it is all the time. I am so lame for even starting this dumb habit! But I am going to do this, I will not buckle, I will not cave. I... AM.... STRONG!!!!!!!!!! These next few weeks could be a little difficult for me, I may be a little on the edgy side, and perhaps a tad bit more impatient than normal. I'M SORRY! Bare with me though family, the outcome will be worth it!

Reason I say this? I wanted to blog, for just a moment. A second of time to jot down some thoughts. Geeze louise guys, lighten up! This is me: "start the movie guys, I am going to blog, real quick" seriously it was only going to take a second. This is them: "Your dumping us for a COMPUTER?? Gasp!" First of all, I was by no means DUMPING, I just needed to take a moment to blog my nagging thoughts. Dinner has been served, jammies are on, bedrooms cleaned, laundry folded, (except for towels, but I really like to fold while watching a movie with the fam, so it's okay!)

But really, if you were me and you had these nagging thoughts, you would find that you also would have a sense of urgency to get these thoughts down! I promise, just wait til you read what has been nagging me for almost a month, and it wont go away!

I.Want.A......... BABY! Seriously, I want, I need, it's a must have!! Two months ago this was me, "No babies for this chic, I am SO done! Sleep deprivation, and everything being destroyed by the one and only CARTER, put me into, "anti-baby" mindset. Understand my anxiety? Really do you? So NOW WHAT? Seriously, I don't get this newfound, unrelenting desire to expand the fam. I.Thought.We.Were.Done! On  to the next chapter of our lives, ya know what I mean? Carter is in school 3 days a week, and I get to FINALLY have Melanie time that I have sooo desired! I clean out closets, and organize when I never had before! I go to coffee with friends on the mornings he is at school, and now I want to ruin all that? I mean seriously it will all go out the window once there's a bun in the oven! What am I thinking??? I am going to give it some time though, think about this for a good long while before I start harassing the spouse! I have dropped a couple hints though, just to, "feel" him out. He doesn't sound too hopeless, and almost happy with the prospect? Does the spouse secretly covet a baby too??? WOW! That just barely popped in my head! Anyways, I'm still going to wait. Think, and think some more. I only have 2 kids, 2 boys at that! Even my animals are boys. I am surrounded with boys, but would welcome just ONE MORE! But can you imagine if I had a little baby GIRL? Dresses, Disney Princesses, tea parties, tu-tus, shoes galore... and DOING HER HAIR!!??? Plus all that pink??? Pink everywhere, finally I would feel more even! Let's admit 2 girls can TOTALLY take on 5 boys, (2 of which are animals). We could own them! My eyes are glossing over as I speak!

So there you have it, I want just one more baby. But I'm going to think about it.... to be sure, or course! 
   

Thanks for tagging me Kate! These posts have been so fun reading, and I felt it necessary to lighten things up!

1. As I stated in my last post, I don't own a LBD, (little black dress). I want one, bad!
2. Hugging my dad is sooo awkard, I start getting anxiety if I know it's coming!
3. Hugging my sister is even more awkward than my dad!
4. I love my make-up, sometimes I take all my eyeshadows out, place them on a towel, put them in color schemes, and just stare at them. I love them!
5. I like the Hallmark Channel, no wait.. I love it! Especially during the holidays.
6. Math is my worst enemy!
7. I don't love the Twilight Saga, but I'm now reading them for the 3rd time, I'm currently on Breaking Dawn.
8. I really do want to be a domestic goddess!
9. I laugh really hard at crude movies... Will Ferrell, Step Brothers... What is my deal?
10. When I hear someone use the, "F" bomb, it makes me laugh. It's funny, I don't care who you are! Unless you were like.. my GRANDMA! She has never said that word!
11. Scrabble is my all time favorite game.
12. One time when I was 13 or 14, my step-dad told me to go jump really high on the tramp and see if I could see the ice melting off the plane that was flying above the house, and I went and jumped with all my might, while mom and Leo just watched amazed at the ridiculousness! (They told me if I saw that, I could put the sprinkler on under the tramp, otherwise the ice was still frozen, and it was still too cold!)
13. One time I found a kitten on the way home from school, and put her in my backpack, then told my mom there was a cat at our house that wouldn't leave... We had Bear for 4 or 5 years....
14. I thought I was going to be the first girl player in the NBA, and believed it.
15. When I was 7, and in 2nd grade Mr. Whitesides threw a piece of chalk at me and pegged me right square in the forehead to stop from talking. I cried.
16. In 7th grade I coerced my math class to go on strike, we all stood in the back singing, "we will, we will, ROCK YOU". Poor Mr. Numbers, (yes that was really his name).
17. I always feel fiercly protective of Diet Coke when I hear someone announce their love for Diet Pepsi, (LINDSEY SUE!!!!!).
18. Candy makes me really happy, sometimes I hide it from everyone and eat it late at night.
19. When people sniffle it makes me SICK, I call it, "snarfuling" because it just seems more appropriate.
20. I can't stand the sound of a #2 pencil righting on paper, I drown out the noise by making a hissing sound while writing!

I TAG, JANNE', DON'T BE A CHICKEN!

Why is it that some people think you want to hear their opinions? People just force it down your throat, and freedom of speach has just gone to a whole new level! I just want to say, "SHHH". But I don't think that would even stop certain people. Maybe I could gently place my hand over their mouth, or just hit end on my phone... but I don't wanna be rude!

If I live my life one way, and you live your life the other... does that mean one of us is wrong? I like to believe it just means we are different from each other. I actually enjoy diversity, doesn't everyone?

Have you no courtesy? I'm by no means perfect, but like to believe when asked for an opinion I will give it, but if not asked..... you know the rest. Opinions can be maliscious. Opinions can make people afraid to be who they really are, especially when certain opinions are severely narrowminded. Opinion can be harsh judgement! I have this family member, who is opposite of who I am. This person thinks so narrow, and so unlike anyone I have ever met. That doesn't mean I don't love this person, nor do I judge this person. Nor do I tell this person my opinion on the way this person lives their life. I don't always agree with them, but I will not force my opinion down their throat. WE ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! When I say, "your really hurting my feelings"... the response was, "brutal honesty, that's what real friends and family does".

Brutal honesty does not come from the way you THINK someone should live their life. You don't have all the answers, nor do I. So live, and let live. So that I, and anybody else can feel comfortable enough to be real with you, in my OPINION, that is true family, and friendship!!!

Wow, it has been so long since I have last blogged, (sorry about that, it was so hard doing memories of my mom). I gave up the blogging world due to nice weather, and fun to be had! We enjoyed so many awesome moments during the summer, and now here we are back to Halloween, and fall, snowstorms, and chicken noodle soup! I love it for now though, and I now fully know what to expect come this winter!

Life has been crazy lately, there's this swine flu thingy going around and combined with strep throat it's a nasty little sucker! Carter and I both got it, and now we are perfectly healthy folk around this house!

It's hard to catch up on the last 6 months in one post, so I wont even attempt it, for your sake! Carter has been to the ER 3 times in the last 6 months, and still keeping me on my toes. He's talking like crazy, we potty trained his little bum, and he is now in school. We do a sticker chart to promote, "gentle touch", and homeboy is killing it!! Good job Carter! He loves his teachers so much, and loves going to school. Braydon is in pee-wee football, playing for Alta Hawks, and he has come so far, it's amazing! We have made so many great friends from football, and will miss our little family we adopted during the crazy, and all consuming football season!

Redsox got owned in the playoffs, and I admit it... I am sad. BYU is not doing their best for the spouse, but he's a different man than he was last year, so he's okay with it, kinda.

I am so glad that I am able to experience the gift of motherhood, and all the smiles my boys bring me, and hubs too!

So here goes guys.... if I have any followers anymore... sad! Stay with me, it shall be entertaining, and.....

Things I am the most grateful for:

Carters words
Lances' good moods
Braydon is finally learning to turn off the lights
precious minutes I get to talk to big sister
My grandmas phone calls, just to tell me she loves me
Friends from the past
Newfound friendships
Jack, my dog
Lances' amazing hugs
Carter in the morning
Braydon walking in the door from school
My seriously old, and tattered flannel sleeping bag, how I love it!!

This is the situation that I came across...

My mom the, "do-gooder"... she was such a sweetheart, and never wanted to hurt anyone, nor did she allow her children to hurt anyone!!

I was allowed one, "hall pass" during my high school years, and that was my junior prom. I was asked to prom this year by 2 boys, and they were definitely both catches for the prom, but I said yes to the first guy, because my, "dream date" took forever to ask me, and when he finally did, I said, YES. My mom was so ticked that I did that because I already said yes to someone else... She was not pleased with my decision. Bare with me though, my, "dream date" finally asked. Melanie was happy, mama was not!! I ended up going with the dream boy, but my mom told me that I would never be allowed to do that again.

THE DANCE>>> It was Christmastime... I wanted to go with a special someone, but another someone asked me to the dance.... before my special someone. Although my special someone asked me.... HE WAS LATE!! My mom MADE me say yes to the first boy that asked, and although he was nice as heck, I wanted more. I ended up going to the dance with my, "2nd choice" No group of friends, nobody else, just he and I. I want to say that this boy was, "nerdy" but I know that sounds horrific of me to say, but it was and is what it is. I was 16, and wanted more than ever to be with my group of friends, and when my 2nd boy finally asked... mom made sure that I said yes to the first boy.

Now this may not sound as a sweet memory to me, but now that I am a mother of 2 boys... The girl better say yes!!!!!!!!!! I was taught a bitter sweet lesson in that time of my life. I have a memory of that dance, but more than ever, I have my moms sweet voice saying, "there is no way in h-e double hockey sticks you will say no!! I watched Monty Python for my first time that night!! Thanks mom, we need to talk about this when I see you again!!!

Love,

Melanie

My mom never had expensive taste, and it literally did not take much to bring her happiness materially... I really admire that. She didn't need fancy dinner dates with her husband, or fancy clothes and cars, nor expensive vacations. For sure Lance wishes that rubbed off on me a little more!!

Some of her favorite things in her life, that brought her much happiness.

- Sunday drives with Leo, and grandma and grandpa.
- Family parties, she loved any get together we had.
- Her brothers, and sister. It seemed they could talk for hours, and about anything.
- Camping with our family
- Do any of you remember, the "Honey"?? This was her first Motorhome, that she bought used with Leo, and I promise you... She was excited beyond belief. She cried. She cleaned that sucker inside and out, and took such good care of it. It was sooooo old, but she loved it soooo much. I must say, I have many fond memories in that motorhome as well.
- Fishing with her hubby, and dad.
- Her daughters... I swear she almost loved us too much. We were so spoiled. But she also loved hanging out with us too. She was very loving, and so passionate about us.
- Saturday lunch dates with Suzy, and the girls.
- My cousins Lindsey, Jamie, and Drew... she loved all of her nieces and nephews so much, but these 3 seemed especially special to her. Jamie always said she wanted Aunt Shawnee to hold her because she had, "nice pillows".
- Her kittys.
- Watching my cousins play softball
- Thursday night Knotslanding
- Watching the Jazz games on tv
- Diet coke
- Black Licorice
- Planting flowers

That's just a few that really pop out in my mind. I really mean it when I say how simple she was. I look at her and see the tiniest things would light up her life. I tend to forget the small things that make me the happiest, and this is a reminder to myself to be again, more like her.

Okay so this is actually one of many fun and exciting things about my mom. She was such a sporty woman... she loved to play softball, and to watch the Utah Jazz like crazy... My mom would sit and yell at the TV when John stocton was wrongfully accused of either a foul he got called on him, or the intentional foul the refs ignored toward John Stocton. She taught me to become the Jazz fan I once was. I knew the stats, and plays, and remember the first Jazz game I went to with my mom and sister. Really, it is one of my favorite childhood memories.

Also, my mom the softball player... Seriously she worked for one company that had a coed team for softball, and they took it so incredibly serious... BUT... they sucked!! I was their number one fan though... I promise. I was always going to every game, and cheering them all on. My mom played catcher, and 2nd base. To this day if I ever play 2nd base, I think of her and her softball days. I remember one game in particular. Now let me preface a little bit. My mom rarely struck out, and pretty much always hit a grounder that sometimes went to rightfield. She was not the small, athletic type but she was passionate. She never wanted to let her team down. (so my mom) one time she hit one of those grounders and ran with all her might... she was not the fastest, but again she wanted it the most. I overheard one guy and his buddy making fun of my mom, I was maybe 10 years old. I can't remember for sure, but I walked up to those men, and said, "That's my mom, ASSHOLE". A lot of the fans heard, and some of the team heard. Now of course that was not the best thing for a little girl to be saying, but I heard much encouragement after from the group of people that overheard me after I said it. My sister always loves this memory. So do I.

My mom tried to reprimand me for this, but she couldn't. I really think when her 10 year old daughter stuck up for her, meant the world to her. I could tell. BUT she is my mom, I would do the same thing again today.

I miss those days, watching the games. I swear, we were O for 100... but we still thought no matter what we would, "get em' next time".

Thanks again for reading the memories... I love sharing them with you.

That's how old I was when my mom passed away. I find it hard to believe what a short period of time that really is. But although the time was short, I have found myself saying so often to myself that I wouldn't trade it for anything. The memories we had, and the moments our whole family shared during that brief window, is more than so many people have in a lifetime with their family. I am excited to start doing this today, but I am also super nervous too. I want to be able to share with you, my memories, and special, sacred moments we shared. Bare with me on these posts, I hope you enjoy reading them, as much as I enjoy re-living them.

THE RED CRAYON:

This will spark a memory for some of you, and anyone I went to elementary school with in the 3rd grade. As most of you know, my mom was a single working mother for most of our childhood, at times we were broke!! DEAD BROKE... (I actually never knew this until I grew up, and realized the sacrifices she made for my sister and I). In the second grade, I told my mom I wanted to be a, "red crayon" for Halloween because my hair was red too. I thought this was a great idea. My mother is not a seamstress, nor was I. So when we set off on making our costume, here is how it went... (I so wish I had pictures). She buys me bright red tights, red turtleneck a red hat, red poster board, a black sharpie and some rope! The night before, we stayed up and my mom got her ruler out, made the lines so perfect on the poster board to make it look like a, "red crayola crayon" she punched holes in the tops for the rope to go into. The next morning I put my crayon on, my tights, and my little red hat. It was held up by the ropes over my shoulders, and I WADDLED to school in this costume. We did the school parade, and I was so proud of my red crayon costume. UNTIL.... We all went back to the classroom to sit down and do our work... but... I couldn't sit.. I was wearing a posterboard dress, that was stapled. I had only my red tights underneath, and my teacher proceeds to tell me to stand in the back of the classroom. I did too, and finally after what seemed like hours he tells me to go home and change. Later that night when I was out trick or treating, I saw this little boy, in the Green Crayola Crayon costume, and it was store bought and made out of nice soft, past his knees fabric. Not the breakable, held by staples and rope posterboard I wore. The thing is.... I bet that boy doesn't remember how hard his mom worked on his, or maybe he doesn't even recall being the green crayon that year... But I will always remember my red crayon costume, that I couldn't sit down in, or worse yet, go to the bathroom while wearing it.

I think it's so cute how hard my mom worked on this, and really how I beamed while wearing it. Honestly... I cannot tell you the gratitude I now have for that costume she made me. Isn't it funny, when we are kids, and things we are most embarassed about, tends to be some of our favorite stories, and memories as an adult.

We miss you mom, and thank you so much for the, "red crayon" costume. I have shared that story so many times... and laughed until I cried!!

Love,

"Your little shit.."

Melanie

I know that it has been forever since I last posted. Life has been crazy, and I have this new love of Facebook, that can be a little addictive. So when the kids are asleep, instead of blogging, I Facebook. It's so fun to see all the old faces, and some new. My family is on there, and it's fun to keep up with them. My cousin told me she feels like she sees us all every day, and it's nice to know what is going on in everyones lives, hence the addiction!!

I have been thinking... what can I blog about right now? What is interesting and fun for people to read? I definitely do not have a knack for writing, I am not the witty, creative writer.. it's intimidating!! But I decided I have it figured out, at least for the next little while.

Starting March 1, I am going to post small or large, humorous, bittersweet, and some little heartfelt memories I have of my mom. I have always wanted to do a memorial, or something sweet in remembering my mom, not for only myself, but for my family as well. My mom passed away on March 29, 1996 in an automobile accident, and I sometimes feel that I miss her today, more than I did during the early years of our loss. I do think this is a very personal thing to blog about, but I also thought... This is going to be good for me, as I have only kept the memories alive in my mind.

The last couple years have been a roller coaster of emotions for me, from Carter, my car accident, and of course the big move, and other things in between, and I feel that I have "wanted my mommy" more now than ever. I find myself thinking of what she would be like as a grandmother, and also a friend to me. (I was still a bratty teenager when the accident happened.)

I will never, ever stop missing her, but I also know that this has helped, "Melanie" to evolve, and it is apart of me, part of the reason I am who I am. I would give anything to have mom back, of course, but because that will never happen, I want to live by her standards, by her humor, and her inner beauty as well as outer beauty. She too, had many ups and downs, but at the end of the day my mom was a champion, triumphant in all ways. So I hope you enjoy my posts, and to my family, I hope that you will laugh with me, and walk down memory lane with me.

So March 1, I will be doing one post a day until March 29th, as a memorial to my mom, your mom, your sister, your friend, confidante,and wife.

Am I getting used to winter around here, or WHAT?? I saw that it was snowing last night, but did not even think that it was going to trap me in my driveway with a 4 foot drift! It didn't bother me at all, I watched a neighbor though.. and it really bothered him! I actually saw him throw his snow shovel across his yard!! It made my whole family laugh so hard!! We were okay with the snow though, we gave Braydon a, "snow day" and Lance spent at least 4 hours outside with the snowblower trying to unleash us! It's funny, sometimes we feel that days like this are a holiday! We all worked in the morning, then we played in the afternoon! I am okay with it too, because ya know what... the memories are the most important thing to me!!

Before...... (whatta fro)

After.......(we straightened it!!)

Braydon is such a great sport! On Saturday, I told him we had to get his hair cut, no ifs, ands, or buts!! I am sick of the fro!! He loves it though, and I always feel bad taking control, and telling him it's my way or the highway!! But I told him before we do, let's straighten it. He said yes, and was actually a really good sport about the whole thing! So we took the straightening iron out, and look at him... CAN YOU EVEN RECOGNIZE HIM!!???

There is something special to me about spending the evening with my family, maybe it's because it's a rarity, so I like to sit back and cherish the time being spent with them, or maybe just being in their company gives me security. Whatever it is, I LOVE IT!

I don't have a childhood memory that does not include all of these people, (other than Sara, she is only 4). I was one of the lucky ones that was raised with my grandma and grandpa in my life practically every single day. I was the lucky one that had sleepovers with cousins, that trick-or-treated up camping, and spent every Christmas Eve with these people. We have shared many birthdays, and many, many camping trips together. Of course now that we are all older, and have families of our own, our family time is mostly dedicated to our own children, and families so it's hard squeezing in these precious moments with my family, so glad for the night out, good idea Aunt Suzy!

Love your guts guys!

Well, I decided to give it a whirl! He is 26 months and I am sick of buying diapers!! So a couple days ago, I decided to keep him in, "big boys" for the day, we had like 20 accidents, not exaggerating! But I didn't really prep him for it, he asked to go pee on the potty, so I just decided to give it a try. He did pee a TON in the potty, but at one point he also, "poo poo'd" in the corner of my bedroom, then came and told me, "come on mommy, come on" while holding my hand to take me to the poo! (sorry for being crude). He pointed to it, and was so proud. Beaming at his treasures he left in the corner of my bedroom! We gleefully picked the poo up and put in the potty and said, "off to potty land for the poo"! I couldn't believe he did that! So yesterday I decide we put the diaper on, and make a day of preparing for potty training. We go buy the Elmo Potty DVD, and the potty, then he decides on, (after 20 minutes of perusing the big boy undies) that he wants Hulk, and Madagascar underwear. He is thrilled beyond belief at his new toys! We go home put the DVD on, take the potty out, and Carter was Screaming with excitement while watching Elmo do the potty dance, and Carter himself sitting on his own potty, like a chair. Now here it is the next day, I have decided to slowly introduce him to it. It's not easy, is it? Braydon did it the week of his 2nd birthday, and we did the potty training in a day, the boy just got it, and never had an accident after that. Carter on the other hand... he's another story! So, if anyone has any advice or suggestions, or stories on what they did. They are more than welcomed! Wish me luck, and stay tuned for updates!

This morning, just pouring my cup of coffee, and chatting the spouse up, it went sour... let me preface: I love my friends, love hanging out with my friends, and love going out and doing things that Melanie wants to do. I know it does sound a tad selfish, but it's also a rarity. I hardly go out, I mostly live a pretty mundane, regular life. Us as stay at home moms know what I mean. I wouldn't change my life for the world, I don't envy others' lives, or anything. I love my kids, love the spouse, but I also enjoy my life outside of the kids and spouse. Okay... so I have friends that come into town every year from Montana for Sundance, I like to go to this with them, we have fun, stay out late, and star gaze. I like going to the parties, and being apart of the Sundance festivities. It's one night a year that I go, I used to go spend a week up there with a bunch of girlfriends when I was single, I look forward to it all year long. So here is how the conversation goes:

Me: Hey my friends are in town, do you care if I go up tonight.

Spouse: I don't know

Me: What do you mean you don't know? I go to this every year. It's my friends that I went to school with 14 years ago.

Spouse: I don't know Mel, you wouldn't like me going out with a bunch of friends and doing this.

Me: If it were college buddies or anything like that, I wouldn't give a rip.

Spouse: That's not true, you need to put yourself in my shoes.

Me: They are my friends Lance, period! So are you saying I can't go?

Spouse: I don't care what you do, make your own decision... you don't know what being a wife and mom is.

Me: silence

Spouse: I don't care if you go

Me: Still silent

Spouse: I don't care.

Me: Silent

Really why is he pitching a fit about it? Holy moly! I want to go! Now I don't know what to do cuz I don't want to piss the spouse off! I know he said I can go now, but it sounded like this, "I don't care if you go... but if you do, there will be trouble waiting when you get back... see, SCARY!! Is it worth it?????

Ahhh yes, the VHS. I remember those days very well. It was not long ago that I was watching Liar Liar incessently on my VHS machine. I have stacks and stacks of VHS movies, and they are now literally, collecting dust! Why I am posting this though is because Braydon, ya know my 9 year old son. He doesn't remember them!! Lately I have been having an itch to watch one of my favorite movies, Savannah Smiles. Not only does it remind me of my childhood but it also reminds me of Aunt Suzy, Lindsey and my mom. We loved this movie!! Annie also. I remember when Aunt Suzy actually recorded Savannah Smiles and Annie on the same VHS cassette for me, it was bliss for me! Then I found both seperately on VHS, and made the purchase after years and years of watching my homemade set! ANYWHO.... so I asked Lance and Braydon to watch it with me, (yes, I have VHS machine still, but to be fair it's one of those combos with DVD) and they said yes, because both had never seen the movie. I asked Brayd to put it in for me, and when he saw the VHS, he goes, "What is that"? Lance proceded to tell him about it, the whole back in the day talk, and Brayd starts putting the tape in BACKWARDS!! He was seriously clueless! Am I getting old?? Nahhh... electronic times are just moving at a rapid pace!! So we watch it, and it was so different watching it, although we all loved it, and yes I bawled like a frickin' baby at the end; it was grainy and just a very poor picture! I couldn't believe what a difference it was! At first Braydon wouldn't give it a chance, and scoffed at the picture but after a couple minutes he sat and watched it with us, and loved it a lot. After it was over, he goes, "that was a cute movie mom". Anyways... I found it funny.

Okay here is the deal, I have been feeling a little inferior, if you will. It seems that all around me is either doing the frickin' Ironman, or some super triatholon, marathon thing! What's my problem? Why am I not jumping on this bandwagon? Even my sister, MY SISTER who is a full time working mother of 3 very busy children, is running in a marathon. What is my deal? Why can't I get the courage to do this dang thing!? I am one of the most competitive persons I know, I can't even lose at scrabble, when I beat Braydon at something... I celebrate.. like in his face jump up and down celebrate, and when Lance and I start wrestling... I inflict pain on him because I don't want to be beat! I want to be numero uno if you will! So why haven't I jumped on and done the running, swimming, biking activities?? Am I afraid??? Maybe... Am I so scared of losing, or heaven forbid coming in LAST PLACE??? I admire the people that do these things, in my book they are all first place just for entering the damn competition!

So it is my quest to learn about this... to figure out how to train for one of these things, and GULP... Enter it... so LET'S DO THIS!! Any ideas? Any pointers on how to get started... Ugh, I am such a freakin' rookie! The unknown is terrifying for me... when did I become such a little baby???

I need to blog... I am ashamed... I was so dilligently blogging away, and then BAM! Christmas was here before I knew it... then New Years... and then..... MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!! Barf... I hate to even think... I AM 30!! I am 30???? I don't feel 30, I don't even feel 20... (that could pose as a problem, I know). I am not sure if I look 30, or 40, or what the hell ever!! I hated turning 30! To me it may as well been 50!! Okay, okay... not that bad... but it was frightening for me, and the whole month of December I knew that it was looming right over my head! So here I am... 30 years and one week old! Lance threw me a great party! We really had a fun time, it was nice that everyone came up to the house, and we sledded our little hearts out while my sweet little hubs made a feast for me and all the guests! Thank you baby!

Christmas was incredibly special for us this year... seems that the last 12 months have been so chaotic for us, and to just sit and enjoy the holidays with eachother was the best. I loved having all this time off with the kids, and Lance pretty much stayed home with us too. We played games, went sledding, had so many fun little parties! I love my friends, love my family so much! I know I am always going on and on about how much I love them, and I am sorry if it's mundane for you as readers to hear me say this over, and over and over again... but I feel, I say it!!!

2009, here I come! I can't wait for this next chapter in my life... I mean... 30!! Who knows what this will bring me. These days 30's are the new 20's and so forth! I am just going to have fun, enjoy my family, and friends.... AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN!!!