Today is an anniversary, but I don't love calling it that, because I equate anniversary to a fun and exciting stamp on the calendar that is special, and celebratory. But there are also anniversaries that are sad, and meloncholy. This type of anniversary today, is one of mourning, and sadness, a little meloncholy is how I'm feeling.

I remember this day so vividly, and it was 14 years ago, I was only a 17 year old girl living life, and loving life! I remember where I was every moment of this day, I remember my only worries in life were wondering how to sneak in the house past my curfew, and trick my parents into thinking I woke them up, but they just didn't remember.

I remember coming home from a night out with some friends, sneaking into the driveway an hour late, and seeing too many cars in my driveway, too many lights on in my should be dark house. I remember the fear that gripped my stomach, and knowing something was wrong. Running to the back to door to be greeted by someone who I don't even know, and had to deliver news to me that I wouldn't be able to bear. I remember asking, begging what was going on, I remember the nod of her head when I asked if my mom was alive, I remember the scream I let out right there on my back porch. Getting in her car to see my family at the hospital, the drive all the way there, my asking this stranger how I was supposed to go on, and she only listening to me. I remember thinking, my life would never be the same....

Walking into the E.R., seeing it full of family members, and friends at 2:00 A.M. I remember collapsing, crying and looking at my Bishop, and continuously saying, "why Bishop, WHY?!" Seeing my sister in her hospital bed, and my grandparents had aged right before my eyes. I remember the fear, despair on everyones faces. Aunt Barb walked me to the bathroom so I could throw-up. I remember being so angry, refusing all offers of blessings, and medication from nurses. I remember the cot they brought in for me to be next to my sister all night long, Aunt Suzy was there, and all we did was talk, and cry, my sister waking up in between with tears, and during her sleep I could see her dreaming, and hear her moan. So much sadness, so much heartache.

Not only had we lost our mom, my sister was newly married, and had the news delivered to her that her husband may face the same fate, and he was in critical condition in the ICU at University Hospital. After months and months of fasts, prayers, and her husband fighting for his life he was released, a miracle in itself. I am so grateful he is with us, I see him as a miracle, he calls himself indestructable! He now has 3 beautiful children with my sister, and has been an amazing example for all of us. We love you Jer!

I don't know what our Maker was thinking, and don't understand, and never will why he took her so early, in the height of her happiness, she was sooo happy, life was so good to her, and she was only able to be with her husband, and love of her life for 5 short years. We all got jipped!!

I am grateful for my family, grateful for my relationship with my Aunt Suzy, whom I love sooo much! I am grateful for my big sister, who now thinks she is my mother. I am grateful that my grandparents made sure that we were a close nit family, so when faced with trial, we could lean on one another, and share our deepest feelings without judgement.

Although it's been hard, and the missing never stops, I have grown into a woman now, with children of my own, a husband that loves me, and a life I am proud of. I know my life would have went down a different path if we still had her with us, but I am a mother to a beautiful 10 year old boy, who I know would not be with me if I was not faced with this trial. I have learned to survive, to fight uphill battles, and to conquer hard knocks. I have been blessed with Carter, and ever since he was a baby he would point to her picture, and become fascinated by her. I know she had a hand in sending him my way, because she always promised me I would get one, "just like me"! Good one mom, and THANKS A LOT!

Although it is in anniversary, it's bittersweet. I am reflective and appreciative of the time I had with her. I am thoughtful, and memories tend to flood in around the looming anniversary, and then the day comes, and I laugh and cry, take paper flowers, (daisies, of course) that Carter and I made to the cemetary, and having an enormous amount of appreciation for what she taught me, and the memories she provided for me. All those Tigers Blood snow cones, the Cherry Cokes, and sour patch kids, the cheers and tears at spelling bees, and dance recitals. Her encouragement, and dedication. The love a mother gives is like no other, I finally realize what she meant when she said, "when you have children of your own, you will understand".

For my sister, I love you, and am so happy we have each other. So glad that your voice is the one that is in my head. I love our laughter, and I love our talks. I love your children SOOOO much! I love our friendship, and no matter how different we are, (night and day) I am so glad that you're the sister I have! I am glad I have you to remember mom with, and to have someone so close to me experience my loss, at the exact level as I did. You are beautiful, you are smart, and amazing. You are a wonderful mother, and have taught me so many things about being a good mom. I love that I can call you, when I need advice on my children. If one is sick, I don't think twice about who I am going to call. Mom was right sis, we did need each other after she was gone.

Love and miss you, will never forget you!

I try to always have a smile on my face, to only think good thoughts... but this last weekend, I have been mad, sad, stressed, and really mad! It makes me feel worse to feel this way, so why do I do it? As I have gone in to my 30's, (at a rapid pace might I add!) I have had self talks, and voiced to others that being mad or bummed out is not worth it. Holding a grudge only makes it worse, and it doesn't affect anyone as much as it affects my own self! Why not just turn the other cheek, choosing to not be offended? Peace is a much happier place than hate, animosity, or being sad! I understand the blues, and can tolerate them for about a day, but if it goes longer than that... GET OVER IT!

So this blog is my self talk, and reminder. I am upset over something I have no control over, why am I doing this to myself? Hate is not in my vocabulary, I even make my children say, "I don't love it, or that, or whatever it is". Even sweet little Lance is starting to say, "I don't love" instead of hate. So it's time for me to GET OVER IT! Move on little lady, and keep smiling!

I fed the homeless yesterday, and my precious Brayd came with me.... I have started to refer to him as, "grandpa" and he calls me "grandma" because our favorite thing we do together is sit in my bed, with our books and read and read and read! Back to what I was saying though, so "Gramps" and I went and fed the homeless, it was a good day. Worked very hard, and it was very cold, but we received lots of smiles, and happy faces from our friends! They love the chicken noodle soup I make, they literally come back for 2nds and 3rds before breakfast is even served! I have started making more, because the leaders, and volunteers love it too! "Gramps" told me it was the best batch I have made yet! I love him! I love going down there for several reasons, but also I need to put myself in check sometimes... Look at how truly blessed we are, and be grateful for all the things I have, like dental insurance, health insurance, a house, a car, ON DEMAND! There is so much to be happy about, and more than anything there is so much I have to look forward to! Life is great to me, life has blessed me. There will be no more dwelling on this end... at least I sure hope not! I'm going to work really hard at pushing any negative thoughts out of the way... 

Today was an especially emotional, and trying day for me as I fed the homeless under the viaduct. It was beautiful, but difficult if that makes sense. I was INCREDIBLY succesful in the small clothing drive I organized. Many, many kids, and adults are now in their new winter coats, and gloves thanks to all those who donated. I had one little girl who will be 3 in March come with no socks or shoes. We quickly wrapped her in blankets, and I was able to hold her, and put on her new Tinkerbell socks, and pink boots, along with a coat that she gladly put on, and LOVED! Her brothers' name is Sebastion, he's 7 years old. I gave him a bunch of Braydons old clothes, and snuck in a few more than I was supposed to. Sebastion was awfully quiet at first, barely even whispering as I spoke to him. I think he was confused by all the treasures coming his way. The mother and father were probably some of the nicest and gentle people I have ever met. I was able to talk with them, (yes, they let me leave my post so that I could get this family prepared for the cold). Sebastion and I talked about Christmas, and his favorite tv characters. He really wouldn't talk much at all, and I felt like I just wasn't earning his trust in any way, shape or form. After I went back to work, he came up to me, and said, "I know who my favorite character is, it's SPONGEBOB". I was floored, was he talking to me? Was he smiling at me??!! After that Sebastion didn't leave my side, talking and laughing and fist pumping with me! He asked me if I would be there next Sunday, and told me he was excited to see me, and he couldn't wait. I then started asking him what kind of toys he likes, and things he likes to do. He likes books, and cars. Trust me, I will come bearing gifts for this little guy, and his sister next Sunday. How could I not? He had me wrapped around those cute little fingers of his the moment he told me about Spongebob. I looked over, and saw his mom and dad both tearing up, and watching our interaction. I went over to them, and wrapped my arms around both of them, telling them they will get through this.... They were incredibly joyful, and grateful. As they were about to leave, Sebastion ran to me, and gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. I hugged the rest of them, and turned around with tears in my eyes, brokenhearted, and touched. One of the men that helped form the organization asked me if I was okay, I sobbed and said, "no, no, I'm not okay". How could I be, Sebastion and his family were walking 4 blocks in the snow to go to the homeless shelter they were staying at. I so wanted to run after them, and do whatever I could. I cried for a really long time, I couldn't stop the tears, and as I looked around many more were crying with me, deeply touched by what they just saw.

I know I can't save the world, I know that I can't save them all, and that some of the homeless that I feed, are they because of the choices that they made... I just like being with them, I love the feeling of surrounding myself with people not just wanting, but doing things for people. My spirit is being fed. I wish I could do more, but just being there helps.... ask my new friends, they will tell you the same thing....

Sebastion, I can't wait to see you next Sunday, so bring your fist pumps, and hugs! Thank you for your kindness, and for being my new friend, I promise Santa is going to come and see you this year, and it will be magical!!

Love,
Melanie